birthday

yup,
tomorrow is my birthday.
am I excited?
nope.
why?
cause there is nothing to be excited about.

I planned nothing so I won't be disappointed.
I have to go to school. I have an interview. And I work.

yay?

disappointment

not expecting anything this weekend.

at all.

I don't want to be disappointed. But I am already.

moving on

As much as I love seeing you happy, I hate seeing you move on.
Even though there was nothing really to move on from, it was something to me.

I wish we knew how to be friends because you are definitely someone I want in my life. Someone to keep in my life. But unfortunately since we skipped that friendship stage and went right into something more, it will always be so hard.
I have a feeling it's going to go all down hill from here with us. With our past being so intense and the attraction still there, a friendship will be so difficult and soon one of us will give up with out even knowing it.

I'm really glad you are finally happy with your life, and I'm glad you found someone who makes you that happy.
Something inside me will always hurt every time I see you smiling with someone else.

I love you. I really do. <3 :)

can you blame me?

Can you blame me for being so insecure?
Almost every person I have put my trust into in the past three years has fucked me over.
I have been lied to. I have been used.

No, I'm not asking for your pity, or your sympathy, but I am allowed to feel insecure. I am allowed to be self conscious right now.
So don't talk shit about me because I complain. Everyone fucking complains.
People are allowed to.

No one really does know me except for maybe two people. And they have been in my life longer than everyone else.
So please just stop judging me.

failure

Almost a month into the new year and things still aren't picking up.
I'm not sure what I'm exactly waiting for. But I do know I am getting very impatient with everything.
School is so overwhelming right now. I feel like I haven't learned anything and that we're still in the 'warm up' period, but suddenly we have our first test this week and I don't even know what to study.
To be honest, I'm freaking out.
I feel like nothing is going to change and life is always going to be so difficult.
I know that sounds really selfish and I hate saying something like that knowing that there are people out there going through WAY worse situations than me. But I can't help it.

I haven't been able to look at my Dad in the eyes for about three days now. I feel ashamed of myself and I feel like a huge disappointment to him. He obviously has not given me a sign that I am a disappointment but I have my reasoning's. All of these feelings are because of money. He has helped me so much and one day I hope to pay him back. He knows I am struggling with money right now but he doesn't want to say anything and neither do I.
I mostly don't want to say anything because like I said before I am ashamed and I feel like a huge failure. Ugh.

My best friend moved back to Orillia. I don't like that at all.
My other best friend is moving to BC in September. I don't like that either. But it is definitely best for her and I think she is going to love it.

I just don't see anything great happening in the future right now. I wish I could think more positively but unfortunately my mind is in such a negative state.
I hate being negative.

First post of 2010

I always forget about this site. I wish I didn't only because I always need somewhere to write/vent.

The best thing going on in my life right now is school. First semester is over. Holidays past. Second semester just started.
I passed first semester. I'm very happy with myself. I worked my butt off.
I start my placement on Wednesday. I am doing it at Fernie House in Scarborough. I'm going to be working with young male offenders. Very excited but of course a little nervous.
I'm hoping this semester goes as well as last semester. Well, not as stressful, please.

Other than that, my life is pretty much the same.
Love life; non-existent.
Best friends; still amazing.
Family; also still amazing.
Work; hating it.
I'm still being taken advantage of, not going to say by who obviously, but more than one person that's for sure.

I'm trying really hard to stay positive. Hoping 2010 will be a lot smoother than 2009.
Focusing on school. Ignoring the drama.

Wish me luck.

my life > yours

I don't think you will ever change.
And I think it's finally time for me to just give it up. I no longer feel I have to try and be your friend.
It sucks a little bit but I think it's more so your loss.

On another note,
you're leaving on Monday... that's actually so soon.
I know you're not leaving for good but 6 weeks seems like forever to me.
You're my fucking back bone, how the hell am I supposed to survive with out you here?
You're that ONE person I can rely on. That person that I know will be there for me at ANY time of the day or night.
Ugh.
I'm going to miss you more then you know.
And I realize I don't show it that much, but I'm just trying to act like it's not happening.
Obviously a bad idea cause now I'm freaking out a little bit.
Honestly, just please come back. As soon as possible.
Make your money and come home.
I love you! Have a safe trip!


My day was very good actually.
My first class was absolutely amazing. It was so fun, upbeat, got me going.
I got to meet everyone in that class. Learn something about them.
Made a couple of great new friends.

The second class was a little boring. So far the only boring class. 1 out of 3 isn't that bad.

Stoked for tomorrow, more classes to learn about :)
And a sweet date.