i'd rather die on my feet, than live on my knees

so the last blog was a complete right off. It's amazing how fast peoples feelings change.
Oh well. He's saying nothing is wrong. But, if I haven't received a call within the past two weeks, obviously he is trying to hint something. At least tell me. "should I just stop calling you?" "No no, not at all, I'm just really busy lately"...
Maybe he is busy? I don't know. It's just all really sketchy to me.
Why tell me these things and then act like it was all a lie?
Ugh, I'll never understand boys.

On another note, I'm starting school Wednesday. Tomorrow is my orientation. I'm definitely excited. A little nervous as well.
Is it twisted that when I was watching Halloween (the Rob Zombie version, the first one) the other night and as I was watching Michael Myers as a child I got really stoked for school?
haha.
I can't help it. I want to know why his mind is so messed up. I want to know why he gets urges to kill people, but then later completely forgets what he has done.
It's all so interesting to me.
Jordon was completely floored. "You wanna work with people like that???" *as Michael Myers stabs the nurse with a fork* "Oh my god yes!!!"
hahaha.
So hopefully with school starting, I'll feel like my life is more on track.

Orientation tomorrow, then a pool party with Lee, school the rest of the week, don't work till Saturday, date on friday... life is good. For now at least.

I'm really hoping I like my program. I'm pretty sure I will.

i'm his angel. he's my knight

I'm trying to figure out if this is it..
am I done my search?
I actually hope so

I am trying not to rush things, and I think I'm doing a good job.
I want to concentrate on school more then anything else so I think keeping things the way they are is a good idea.
Life isn't short right now. I still have so many years to go. So why rush?
Why risk ruining something so absolutely perfect?

I just can't believe this is happening. And I hope it's real.
The one person that has never gotten off of my mind, since the day we met, since the first night we spent together. I pretty much have him.

I'm his angel. He's my knight.

Unbelievable :)

about time...

After a weekend of best friends(ALL of my best friends), a good show, and an amazing boy who makes sure I'm always smiling. I have become content with my life. Even though I still have some stress left over from some other sources, I can finally look passed it.

I can't wait to see what the next couple years are going to bring.

love..

It's surprising actually. How much I really miss you.

Gone all summer, only get to see you a couple days every few weeks. At least this time I get to pick you up, and I get to hang out with you, get coffee with you, listen to music and drive around with you.
Girl, you don't even know how excited I am to see you at 7pm this friday.

Lee, never leave me again. Jeez!


On another note... my sleeping patterns are completely fucked again. I hope they change once september rolls around. I don't know how I am nocturnal, it's not like I'm out doing something. I'm at home, laying in my bed, having the worst time trying to get to sleep. Stress can do that to you though.

I'm going to try and sleep again.

So excited to see Lee :D

Learning..

So I've somewhat, kind of, learned how to deal with a couple of my situations right now.

Basically I'm just concentrating on working, hanging out and TRYING to be happy this summer. Then school, thank god for school. I will be able to take all of my focus off of the stress in my life and put it all on school.
How sad is it that I'm actually hoping I get loads of homework so I have something else to think about?

Another thing I'm learning is that a lot of people are not who I think they are. They're personalities completely suck. They are immature, disrespectful, and completely fucking ignorant. You finally think you have all of those people out of your life and somehow more pop back in.
I wish there were more solid people in this area. Makes me want to just get up and get out.

That's another thing. I'm actually thinking of moving away for a bit after college. I found out that I can continue my program in Alberta/Australia/St Catharines. Which I'm kind of stoked about.
I think Australia would be a little too far just for school, it would be an amazing experience but I doubt I would be able to deal with being away for so long with the stress of school on my mind and not having someone close to me to help me out.
Same goes for Alberta.
So if anything, I might be moving to St.Catharines in two years. That would be exciting, and at least a little bit of a change. And if I ever get home sick I could just drive home. I like that idea.

Can't believe how excited I am for school. Weirddddd.

being happy

I would have to say that being legitimately happy is probably one of the hardest things to do these days.
With people putting you down every other day, with work being hard to find, or having a job that you're just completely miserable at, or relationships going down the drain because either someone is being a dick/bitch or they were just not loyal to one another.
So now, I am trying very hard to find myself, find ways to actually help myself be happy. No more faking. I want to actually be happy.
Not okay.
Not content.
HAPPY.

Real happy.

So I've started to live for myself. Not others. Myself.
I'm going to be a little selfish for once.

I want to get over my small case of agoraphobia. And I think in order to do that, I have to be comfortable with who I am. I mean, I am comfortable, but not really pleased.
If that makes sense.

So I'm going to do this.
I'm going to concentrate on things that make ME happy.

ME ME ME ME ME

I can't help it...

The way I feel, all the time.
I'm not happy with my life at the moment at all. My job makes me miserable, I feel like everyone is drifting away from me, and I have to spend the whole summer working 40 hours a week in order to make the money I need to make.
Good-bye summer.

I'm hoping by the end of June I will be moved to another store, so I can go down to part-time, and enjoy some of my summer before school starts.

I'm actually really looking forward to school. Finally, doing something I love. I just hope I'm not making a mistake like I did with Web Dev. Only one way to find out I guess.

My love life is non-existent. I'll think it's getting somewhere and then something happens, always. One day it'll pick up. And I cannot wait until that day.
But also, I was thinking about it today while talking with a friend, maybe it's a good thing that I am having bad luck with any sort of relationship. It just means a lot (and I mean A LOT) less stress when school comes around.

I guess that is one way of thinking positive.

I don't know.

we'll see.