my life > yours

I don't think you will ever change.
And I think it's finally time for me to just give it up. I no longer feel I have to try and be your friend.
It sucks a little bit but I think it's more so your loss.

On another note,
you're leaving on Monday... that's actually so soon.
I know you're not leaving for good but 6 weeks seems like forever to me.
You're my fucking back bone, how the hell am I supposed to survive with out you here?
You're that ONE person I can rely on. That person that I know will be there for me at ANY time of the day or night.
Ugh.
I'm going to miss you more then you know.
And I realize I don't show it that much, but I'm just trying to act like it's not happening.
Obviously a bad idea cause now I'm freaking out a little bit.
Honestly, just please come back. As soon as possible.
Make your money and come home.
I love you! Have a safe trip!


My day was very good actually.
My first class was absolutely amazing. It was so fun, upbeat, got me going.
I got to meet everyone in that class. Learn something about them.
Made a couple of great new friends.

The second class was a little boring. So far the only boring class. 1 out of 3 isn't that bad.

Stoked for tomorrow, more classes to learn about :)
And a sweet date.

Won't die with out a fight

Today was just messed up.
It was a half and half day.
Half good, half completely horrible.

I don't know why you treat me the way you do. I try to do nothing but good things for you. I try to help. I try to be there. But I just get disrespected.
What you did today was completely immature. And completely selfish.
I wish we could be friends, but I can't even think about being in the same room with you after what you said to me today.
You hurt me, more than other people have.
So I'm wondering, why the fuck do I still care about you?

Another bad part of my day,
Jordon and I were coming home from dropping off Lee when some random idiot starts pulling into my lane. So I honk the horn and swerve out of the way. He comes up besides me and starts staring. I look back, obviously with a disgusted look on my face. He then speeds up and cuts me off intentionally. I honk my horn again then try to get into the other lane. Then he cuts me off again.
That put me right into an anxiety attack. I've had about three today. What the fuck?

That can't be good for me.

But now lets focus on the good parts of my day.
Started school this morning. At 8:10am to be exact. I was actually on time for an 8am class! That's the first time ever! Even when I was in Web Dev.
The class was amazing. Met some people. Actually got along with them.
Pharmacology was the class. So I'll be learning about drugs and alcohol and the effects they have. Stoked.
The prof is amazing too. He has a sense of humour. Which is something I love to see.

After school was when the above happened, so I'll skip into something better.

Met up with Laurel and we decided to buy some hair dye. So I have a new colour, once again. I went back to dark, and put red in my hair again. I can't help it. I feel so much better in red/vibrant hair.

Then I had to rush (which I HATE to do) to the AMC in Whitby. I met up with Jake, Helaina, Lee and Jordon (all amazing/solid people) and we saw Final Destination 3D. Of course since it was a Final Destination movie, it was horrible. But those movies are so bad that they are good. And this one was in 3D so it was even better.
That was followed by some Tim Hortons/Wendy's obviously.

The night pretty much ended there. Since I'm no longer allowed in my best friends house (don't ask) I came home early.
So like I said, it was half and half. But the positives seem to be hitting me more than the negatives. I think that's something I've taught myself to do and it is helping me through this rut.

School tomorrow. Coffee with Cat around 8. School Friday. Date. :)

p.s. the pool party with Lee was of course incredible. It was only us two but I think that's why I enjoyed it so much.
-not getting our hair wet
-dead mouse in the filter
-tanning
-pictures
-much needed talks since we haven't really been able to just talk since she's been home
So that day was legit.

i'd rather die on my feet, than live on my knees

so the last blog was a complete right off. It's amazing how fast peoples feelings change.
Oh well. He's saying nothing is wrong. But, if I haven't received a call within the past two weeks, obviously he is trying to hint something. At least tell me. "should I just stop calling you?" "No no, not at all, I'm just really busy lately"...
Maybe he is busy? I don't know. It's just all really sketchy to me.
Why tell me these things and then act like it was all a lie?
Ugh, I'll never understand boys.

On another note, I'm starting school Wednesday. Tomorrow is my orientation. I'm definitely excited. A little nervous as well.
Is it twisted that when I was watching Halloween (the Rob Zombie version, the first one) the other night and as I was watching Michael Myers as a child I got really stoked for school?
haha.
I can't help it. I want to know why his mind is so messed up. I want to know why he gets urges to kill people, but then later completely forgets what he has done.
It's all so interesting to me.
Jordon was completely floored. "You wanna work with people like that???" *as Michael Myers stabs the nurse with a fork* "Oh my god yes!!!"
hahaha.
So hopefully with school starting, I'll feel like my life is more on track.

Orientation tomorrow, then a pool party with Lee, school the rest of the week, don't work till Saturday, date on friday... life is good. For now at least.

I'm really hoping I like my program. I'm pretty sure I will.

i'm his angel. he's my knight

I'm trying to figure out if this is it..
am I done my search?
I actually hope so

I am trying not to rush things, and I think I'm doing a good job.
I want to concentrate on school more then anything else so I think keeping things the way they are is a good idea.
Life isn't short right now. I still have so many years to go. So why rush?
Why risk ruining something so absolutely perfect?

I just can't believe this is happening. And I hope it's real.
The one person that has never gotten off of my mind, since the day we met, since the first night we spent together. I pretty much have him.

I'm his angel. He's my knight.

Unbelievable :)

about time...

After a weekend of best friends(ALL of my best friends), a good show, and an amazing boy who makes sure I'm always smiling. I have become content with my life. Even though I still have some stress left over from some other sources, I can finally look passed it.

I can't wait to see what the next couple years are going to bring.

love..

It's surprising actually. How much I really miss you.

Gone all summer, only get to see you a couple days every few weeks. At least this time I get to pick you up, and I get to hang out with you, get coffee with you, listen to music and drive around with you.
Girl, you don't even know how excited I am to see you at 7pm this friday.

Lee, never leave me again. Jeez!


On another note... my sleeping patterns are completely fucked again. I hope they change once september rolls around. I don't know how I am nocturnal, it's not like I'm out doing something. I'm at home, laying in my bed, having the worst time trying to get to sleep. Stress can do that to you though.

I'm going to try and sleep again.

So excited to see Lee :D

Learning..

So I've somewhat, kind of, learned how to deal with a couple of my situations right now.

Basically I'm just concentrating on working, hanging out and TRYING to be happy this summer. Then school, thank god for school. I will be able to take all of my focus off of the stress in my life and put it all on school.
How sad is it that I'm actually hoping I get loads of homework so I have something else to think about?

Another thing I'm learning is that a lot of people are not who I think they are. They're personalities completely suck. They are immature, disrespectful, and completely fucking ignorant. You finally think you have all of those people out of your life and somehow more pop back in.
I wish there were more solid people in this area. Makes me want to just get up and get out.

That's another thing. I'm actually thinking of moving away for a bit after college. I found out that I can continue my program in Alberta/Australia/St Catharines. Which I'm kind of stoked about.
I think Australia would be a little too far just for school, it would be an amazing experience but I doubt I would be able to deal with being away for so long with the stress of school on my mind and not having someone close to me to help me out.
Same goes for Alberta.
So if anything, I might be moving to St.Catharines in two years. That would be exciting, and at least a little bit of a change. And if I ever get home sick I could just drive home. I like that idea.

Can't believe how excited I am for school. Weirddddd.

being happy

I would have to say that being legitimately happy is probably one of the hardest things to do these days.
With people putting you down every other day, with work being hard to find, or having a job that you're just completely miserable at, or relationships going down the drain because either someone is being a dick/bitch or they were just not loyal to one another.
So now, I am trying very hard to find myself, find ways to actually help myself be happy. No more faking. I want to actually be happy.
Not okay.
Not content.
HAPPY.

Real happy.

So I've started to live for myself. Not others. Myself.
I'm going to be a little selfish for once.

I want to get over my small case of agoraphobia. And I think in order to do that, I have to be comfortable with who I am. I mean, I am comfortable, but not really pleased.
If that makes sense.

So I'm going to do this.
I'm going to concentrate on things that make ME happy.

ME ME ME ME ME

I can't help it...

The way I feel, all the time.
I'm not happy with my life at the moment at all. My job makes me miserable, I feel like everyone is drifting away from me, and I have to spend the whole summer working 40 hours a week in order to make the money I need to make.
Good-bye summer.

I'm hoping by the end of June I will be moved to another store, so I can go down to part-time, and enjoy some of my summer before school starts.

I'm actually really looking forward to school. Finally, doing something I love. I just hope I'm not making a mistake like I did with Web Dev. Only one way to find out I guess.

My love life is non-existent. I'll think it's getting somewhere and then something happens, always. One day it'll pick up. And I cannot wait until that day.
But also, I was thinking about it today while talking with a friend, maybe it's a good thing that I am having bad luck with any sort of relationship. It just means a lot (and I mean A LOT) less stress when school comes around.

I guess that is one way of thinking positive.

I don't know.

we'll see.

Another day

I've been up since 10am, an hour later, still laying in bed. haha.
For some reason, for a while now, I've had no motivation to get out of bed. Maybe it's the weather? I'm not sure. I guess I'll figure it out when the warm weather comes.

It's not like I'm super depressed or anything, I just have no motivation.

It doesn't help that I haven't heard anything from Durham College. It's almost March and I have no idea if I got into the program or not. I do not want to take another year off and work full time at stitches.. AGAIN.
I am super anxious, about a lot of things, and they are finally piling up on top of each other. In my head. And I feel like my head is about to burst

Ugh.

I can't wait until things calm down.

Reason

So,
there is pretty much only one reason why I made this blog site.
So I can come here and type away anything that is on my mind.
Lately, I've been holding everything in, which is not good at all. Even if no one ends up reading these blogs, I will still have everything off of my chest.

:)