As much as I love seeing you happy, I hate seeing you move on.
Even though there was nothing really to move on from, it was something to me.
I wish we knew how to be friends because you are definitely someone I want in my life. Someone to keep in my life. But unfortunately since we skipped that friendship stage and went right into something more, it will always be so hard.
I have a feeling it's going to go all down hill from here with us. With our past being so intense and the attraction still there, a friendship will be so difficult and soon one of us will give up with out even knowing it.
I'm really glad you are finally happy with your life, and I'm glad you found someone who makes you that happy.
Something inside me will always hurt every time I see you smiling with someone else.
I love you. I really do. <3 :)
Friday, February 26, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
can you blame me?
Can you blame me for being so insecure?
Almost every person I have put my trust into in the past three years has fucked me over.
I have been lied to. I have been used.
No, I'm not asking for your pity, or your sympathy, but I am allowed to feel insecure. I am allowed to be self conscious right now.
So don't talk shit about me because I complain. Everyone fucking complains.
People are allowed to.
No one really does know me except for maybe two people. And they have been in my life longer than everyone else.
So please just stop judging me.
Almost every person I have put my trust into in the past three years has fucked me over.
I have been lied to. I have been used.
No, I'm not asking for your pity, or your sympathy, but I am allowed to feel insecure. I am allowed to be self conscious right now.
So don't talk shit about me because I complain. Everyone fucking complains.
People are allowed to.
No one really does know me except for maybe two people. And they have been in my life longer than everyone else.
So please just stop judging me.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
failure
Almost a month into the new year and things still aren't picking up.
I'm not sure what I'm exactly waiting for. But I do know I am getting very impatient with everything.
School is so overwhelming right now. I feel like I haven't learned anything and that we're still in the 'warm up' period, but suddenly we have our first test this week and I don't even know what to study.
To be honest, I'm freaking out.
I feel like nothing is going to change and life is always going to be so difficult.
I know that sounds really selfish and I hate saying something like that knowing that there are people out there going through WAY worse situations than me. But I can't help it.
I haven't been able to look at my Dad in the eyes for about three days now. I feel ashamed of myself and I feel like a huge disappointment to him. He obviously has not given me a sign that I am a disappointment but I have my reasoning's. All of these feelings are because of money. He has helped me so much and one day I hope to pay him back. He knows I am struggling with money right now but he doesn't want to say anything and neither do I.
I mostly don't want to say anything because like I said before I am ashamed and I feel like a huge failure. Ugh.
My best friend moved back to Orillia. I don't like that at all.
My other best friend is moving to BC in September. I don't like that either. But it is definitely best for her and I think she is going to love it.
I just don't see anything great happening in the future right now. I wish I could think more positively but unfortunately my mind is in such a negative state.
I hate being negative.
I'm not sure what I'm exactly waiting for. But I do know I am getting very impatient with everything.
School is so overwhelming right now. I feel like I haven't learned anything and that we're still in the 'warm up' period, but suddenly we have our first test this week and I don't even know what to study.
To be honest, I'm freaking out.
I feel like nothing is going to change and life is always going to be so difficult.
I know that sounds really selfish and I hate saying something like that knowing that there are people out there going through WAY worse situations than me. But I can't help it.
I haven't been able to look at my Dad in the eyes for about three days now. I feel ashamed of myself and I feel like a huge disappointment to him. He obviously has not given me a sign that I am a disappointment but I have my reasoning's. All of these feelings are because of money. He has helped me so much and one day I hope to pay him back. He knows I am struggling with money right now but he doesn't want to say anything and neither do I.
I mostly don't want to say anything because like I said before I am ashamed and I feel like a huge failure. Ugh.
My best friend moved back to Orillia. I don't like that at all.
My other best friend is moving to BC in September. I don't like that either. But it is definitely best for her and I think she is going to love it.
I just don't see anything great happening in the future right now. I wish I could think more positively but unfortunately my mind is in such a negative state.
I hate being negative.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
First post of 2010
I always forget about this site. I wish I didn't only because I always need somewhere to write/vent.
The best thing going on in my life right now is school. First semester is over. Holidays past. Second semester just started.
I passed first semester. I'm very happy with myself. I worked my butt off.
I start my placement on Wednesday. I am doing it at Fernie House in Scarborough. I'm going to be working with young male offenders. Very excited but of course a little nervous.
I'm hoping this semester goes as well as last semester. Well, not as stressful, please.
Other than that, my life is pretty much the same.
Love life; non-existent.
Best friends; still amazing.
Family; also still amazing.
Work; hating it.
I'm still being taken advantage of, not going to say by who obviously, but more than one person that's for sure.
I'm trying really hard to stay positive. Hoping 2010 will be a lot smoother than 2009.
Focusing on school. Ignoring the drama.
Wish me luck.
The best thing going on in my life right now is school. First semester is over. Holidays past. Second semester just started.
I passed first semester. I'm very happy with myself. I worked my butt off.
I start my placement on Wednesday. I am doing it at Fernie House in Scarborough. I'm going to be working with young male offenders. Very excited but of course a little nervous.
I'm hoping this semester goes as well as last semester. Well, not as stressful, please.
Other than that, my life is pretty much the same.
Love life; non-existent.
Best friends; still amazing.
Family; also still amazing.
Work; hating it.
I'm still being taken advantage of, not going to say by who obviously, but more than one person that's for sure.
I'm trying really hard to stay positive. Hoping 2010 will be a lot smoother than 2009.
Focusing on school. Ignoring the drama.
Wish me luck.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
my life > yours
I don't think you will ever change.
And I think it's finally time for me to just give it up. I no longer feel I have to try and be your friend.
It sucks a little bit but I think it's more so your loss.
On another note,
you're leaving on Monday... that's actually so soon.
I know you're not leaving for good but 6 weeks seems like forever to me.
You're my fucking back bone, how the hell am I supposed to survive with out you here?
You're that ONE person I can rely on. That person that I know will be there for me at ANY time of the day or night.
Ugh.
I'm going to miss you more then you know.
And I realize I don't show it that much, but I'm just trying to act like it's not happening.
Obviously a bad idea cause now I'm freaking out a little bit.
Honestly, just please come back. As soon as possible.
Make your money and come home.
I love you! Have a safe trip!
My day was very good actually.
My first class was absolutely amazing. It was so fun, upbeat, got me going.
I got to meet everyone in that class. Learn something about them.
Made a couple of great new friends.
The second class was a little boring. So far the only boring class. 1 out of 3 isn't that bad.
Stoked for tomorrow, more classes to learn about :)
And a sweet date.
And I think it's finally time for me to just give it up. I no longer feel I have to try and be your friend.
It sucks a little bit but I think it's more so your loss.
On another note,
you're leaving on Monday... that's actually so soon.
I know you're not leaving for good but 6 weeks seems like forever to me.
You're my fucking back bone, how the hell am I supposed to survive with out you here?
You're that ONE person I can rely on. That person that I know will be there for me at ANY time of the day or night.
Ugh.
I'm going to miss you more then you know.
And I realize I don't show it that much, but I'm just trying to act like it's not happening.
Obviously a bad idea cause now I'm freaking out a little bit.
Honestly, just please come back. As soon as possible.
Make your money and come home.
I love you! Have a safe trip!
My day was very good actually.
My first class was absolutely amazing. It was so fun, upbeat, got me going.
I got to meet everyone in that class. Learn something about them.
Made a couple of great new friends.
The second class was a little boring. So far the only boring class. 1 out of 3 isn't that bad.
Stoked for tomorrow, more classes to learn about :)
And a sweet date.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Won't die with out a fight
Today was just messed up.
It was a half and half day.
Half good, half completely horrible.
I don't know why you treat me the way you do. I try to do nothing but good things for you. I try to help. I try to be there. But I just get disrespected.
What you did today was completely immature. And completely selfish.
I wish we could be friends, but I can't even think about being in the same room with you after what you said to me today.
You hurt me, more than other people have.
So I'm wondering, why the fuck do I still care about you?
Another bad part of my day,
Jordon and I were coming home from dropping off Lee when some random idiot starts pulling into my lane. So I honk the horn and swerve out of the way. He comes up besides me and starts staring. I look back, obviously with a disgusted look on my face. He then speeds up and cuts me off intentionally. I honk my horn again then try to get into the other lane. Then he cuts me off again.
That put me right into an anxiety attack. I've had about three today. What the fuck?
That can't be good for me.
But now lets focus on the good parts of my day.
Started school this morning. At 8:10am to be exact. I was actually on time for an 8am class! That's the first time ever! Even when I was in Web Dev.
The class was amazing. Met some people. Actually got along with them.
Pharmacology was the class. So I'll be learning about drugs and alcohol and the effects they have. Stoked.
The prof is amazing too. He has a sense of humour. Which is something I love to see.
After school was when the above happened, so I'll skip into something better.
Met up with Laurel and we decided to buy some hair dye. So I have a new colour, once again. I went back to dark, and put red in my hair again. I can't help it. I feel so much better in red/vibrant hair.
Then I had to rush (which I HATE to do) to the AMC in Whitby. I met up with Jake, Helaina, Lee and Jordon (all amazing/solid people) and we saw Final Destination 3D. Of course since it was a Final Destination movie, it was horrible. But those movies are so bad that they are good. And this one was in 3D so it was even better.
That was followed by some Tim Hortons/Wendy's obviously.
The night pretty much ended there. Since I'm no longer allowed in my best friends house (don't ask) I came home early.
So like I said, it was half and half. But the positives seem to be hitting me more than the negatives. I think that's something I've taught myself to do and it is helping me through this rut.
School tomorrow. Coffee with Cat around 8. School Friday. Date. :)
p.s. the pool party with Lee was of course incredible. It was only us two but I think that's why I enjoyed it so much.
-not getting our hair wet
-dead mouse in the filter
-tanning
-pictures
-much needed talks since we haven't really been able to just talk since she's been home
So that day was legit.
It was a half and half day.
Half good, half completely horrible.
I don't know why you treat me the way you do. I try to do nothing but good things for you. I try to help. I try to be there. But I just get disrespected.
What you did today was completely immature. And completely selfish.
I wish we could be friends, but I can't even think about being in the same room with you after what you said to me today.
You hurt me, more than other people have.
So I'm wondering, why the fuck do I still care about you?
Another bad part of my day,
Jordon and I were coming home from dropping off Lee when some random idiot starts pulling into my lane. So I honk the horn and swerve out of the way. He comes up besides me and starts staring. I look back, obviously with a disgusted look on my face. He then speeds up and cuts me off intentionally. I honk my horn again then try to get into the other lane. Then he cuts me off again.
That put me right into an anxiety attack. I've had about three today. What the fuck?
That can't be good for me.
But now lets focus on the good parts of my day.
Started school this morning. At 8:10am to be exact. I was actually on time for an 8am class! That's the first time ever! Even when I was in Web Dev.
The class was amazing. Met some people. Actually got along with them.
Pharmacology was the class. So I'll be learning about drugs and alcohol and the effects they have. Stoked.
The prof is amazing too. He has a sense of humour. Which is something I love to see.
After school was when the above happened, so I'll skip into something better.
Met up with Laurel and we decided to buy some hair dye. So I have a new colour, once again. I went back to dark, and put red in my hair again. I can't help it. I feel so much better in red/vibrant hair.
Then I had to rush (which I HATE to do) to the AMC in Whitby. I met up with Jake, Helaina, Lee and Jordon (all amazing/solid people) and we saw Final Destination 3D. Of course since it was a Final Destination movie, it was horrible. But those movies are so bad that they are good. And this one was in 3D so it was even better.
That was followed by some Tim Hortons/Wendy's obviously.
The night pretty much ended there. Since I'm no longer allowed in my best friends house (don't ask) I came home early.
So like I said, it was half and half. But the positives seem to be hitting me more than the negatives. I think that's something I've taught myself to do and it is helping me through this rut.
School tomorrow. Coffee with Cat around 8. School Friday. Date. :)
p.s. the pool party with Lee was of course incredible. It was only us two but I think that's why I enjoyed it so much.
-not getting our hair wet
-dead mouse in the filter
-tanning
-pictures
-much needed talks since we haven't really been able to just talk since she's been home
So that day was legit.
Monday, September 7, 2009
i'd rather die on my feet, than live on my knees
so the last blog was a complete right off. It's amazing how fast peoples feelings change.
Oh well. He's saying nothing is wrong. But, if I haven't received a call within the past two weeks, obviously he is trying to hint something. At least tell me. "should I just stop calling you?" "No no, not at all, I'm just really busy lately"...
Maybe he is busy? I don't know. It's just all really sketchy to me.
Why tell me these things and then act like it was all a lie?
Ugh, I'll never understand boys.
On another note, I'm starting school Wednesday. Tomorrow is my orientation. I'm definitely excited. A little nervous as well.
Is it twisted that when I was watching Halloween (the Rob Zombie version, the first one) the other night and as I was watching Michael Myers as a child I got really stoked for school?
haha.
I can't help it. I want to know why his mind is so messed up. I want to know why he gets urges to kill people, but then later completely forgets what he has done.
It's all so interesting to me.
Jordon was completely floored. "You wanna work with people like that???" *as Michael Myers stabs the nurse with a fork* "Oh my god yes!!!"
hahaha.
So hopefully with school starting, I'll feel like my life is more on track.
Orientation tomorrow, then a pool party with Lee, school the rest of the week, don't work till Saturday, date on friday... life is good. For now at least.
I'm really hoping I like my program. I'm pretty sure I will.
Oh well. He's saying nothing is wrong. But, if I haven't received a call within the past two weeks, obviously he is trying to hint something. At least tell me. "should I just stop calling you?" "No no, not at all, I'm just really busy lately"...
Maybe he is busy? I don't know. It's just all really sketchy to me.
Why tell me these things and then act like it was all a lie?
Ugh, I'll never understand boys.
On another note, I'm starting school Wednesday. Tomorrow is my orientation. I'm definitely excited. A little nervous as well.
Is it twisted that when I was watching Halloween (the Rob Zombie version, the first one) the other night and as I was watching Michael Myers as a child I got really stoked for school?
haha.
I can't help it. I want to know why his mind is so messed up. I want to know why he gets urges to kill people, but then later completely forgets what he has done.
It's all so interesting to me.
Jordon was completely floored. "You wanna work with people like that???" *as Michael Myers stabs the nurse with a fork* "Oh my god yes!!!"
hahaha.
So hopefully with school starting, I'll feel like my life is more on track.
Orientation tomorrow, then a pool party with Lee, school the rest of the week, don't work till Saturday, date on friday... life is good. For now at least.
I'm really hoping I like my program. I'm pretty sure I will.
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